This week's Theme: Tender Care
Day 1: Ties of Love
A 2023 article published online by the AARP (the organization originally known as the American Association for Retired Persons) discusses the increase in the number of grandparents raising grandchildren in the US:
The article quotes a partner organization: “Grandparents have been stepping in to raise grandchildren since the beginning of our country, But it has increased in recent years.” The writer then provides official data on the number of “grandfamilies” as they are called:
U.S. census data shows that 7.1 million American grandparents are living with their grandchildren under 18. Some 2.3 million of those grandparents are responsible for their grandchildren. About a third of grandchildren living with grandparents who are responsible for them are younger than 6. About half of the grandparents who are responsible for their grandchildren are 60 and over, according to census data.
The article goes on to discuss reasons for the growing trend in the US. It describes some of the hardships and challenges for “grandfamilies” and touches on a few support avenues and resources.
The rising number of grandparents raising grandchildren in the United States has lent visibility to the issue of “extended family parenting”, but it has been a long-standing social reality in many areas of the world. Globally, grandparents, other family members, and sometimes even non-relatives have often functioned in parental roles, as communities have faced the challenges of poverty, migration, health crises, disease, war, and death.
In my growing up years in the Caribbean, the vast majority of surrogate-parenting-by-relatives I knew of was because of emigration—mostly for economic reasons. But other reasons existed—my own mother was raised by her paternal grandmother because, among other reasons, her mother was unwell; several cousins were raised by relatives because their mother had died in childbirth; my aunt was raised by nobody in particular and was essentially physically and emotionally abandoned.
The scars and emotional trauma of “forced detachment” from parents (mostly mothers, since ours was largely a matriarchal society) went mostly unrecognized and unacknowledged—in cases where children showed signs of struggle, a connection was hardly ever made to parental separation. It was a stoic, survivalist society—and the demands of physical survival left very little room for emotional considerations. The impact on children was as different as each child is different:
A dear friend of my heart counts herself blessed to have been raised by wise and loving grandparents, who, though strict, provided her with great love, security, and stability. She recognizes no parental separation trauma, having been placed in her grandparents’ care as an infant. But others have wandered in an emotional wilderness their entire lives. A cousin who died recently carried bitter wounds to the grave, unable to overcome the trauma of being “given away” at an early age.
To acknowledge the particular difficulties of “grandfamilies” and other forms of surrogate parenting is not to overlook the strains and struggles of other family structures. In our imperfect families we have all known varying degrees of hurt, pain, scars, or trauma—even in the ones that have been loving, positive and affirming.
In this complicated human landscape, we celebrate Mother’s Day this Sunday. (Some countries celebrate Mother’s Day on different dates—for example, the UK celebrated Mother’s Day on March 10; most of the Middle East on March 21, and Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala and other Latin American countries, on May 10.)
For some the day is painful because of the scars and wounds of the past. Others grapple with the pain of loss, grief, distance, estrangement, and regret.
But even as we acknowledge the complexities and imperfections of the relationships bound up in Mother’s Day we can choose to embrace, celebrate, and think about all that is true, noble, right; all that is pure, lovely, admirable. We can choose to begin the journey of healing and forgiveness, looking to the God who described His tender care of His people:
I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them. (Hosea 11:4).
And we can celebrate and thank those who have loved and nurtured us—Mother, Mom, Mummy, Mouma, Granny, Grandma, Grandmom, Grams, Grammy, Tan-Tan, Nana, Nan, Gigi, Mama, Mimi, MeMaw, Oma, Auntie, Tantie, Nainee, Mackmay… Happy Mother’s Day!
